I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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