if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
