Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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