you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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