I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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