Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
