what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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