i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
