My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
