My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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