There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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