i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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