***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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