Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
They took my balls.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
