I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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