I heard we made out
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
