i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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