and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
