I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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