If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I said "one day" and that day is not today
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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