there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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