Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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