Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize