She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
