I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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