I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
