Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
