Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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