i just wanna soil my oats bro
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
