i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
