Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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