I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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