Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
