I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
