so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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