She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
