sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
