ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I could make wine with my vomit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
