Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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