You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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