my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
