I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
