I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This toilet bowl is my home.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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