I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
