dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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