Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
