I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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