Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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