so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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