When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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