Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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