Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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