hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
