I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize