he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
