Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wish my penis had a tongue
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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