Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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