if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have tasted many bathrooms
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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