I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize